Are you hard on yourself, or are you secretly a perfectionist?

 As a therapist specializing in perfectionism, I rarely encounter someone who identifies their thoughts as “perfectionistic” or recognizes their actions as those of a perfectionist. There seems to be a belief that perfectionists must look and act in a very specific way, which feels different from how one perceives themselves.

“I’m not a perfectionist. Look at me, I’m failing at ______.”

Or:

“I’m not a perfectionist! I feel like my whole life is crumbling, and I’m barely keeping up with everything!”

To these statements, I often ask:

“What if unrealistically high expectations of yourself are the reason you feel like a failure or feel like you can’t keep up with everything life throws at you?”

I like to define perfectionism in several ways. It can manifest as an inability to offer ourselves self-compassion when we don’t meet our own standards or when we make a mistake. If making a simple mistake, such as missing a doctor’s appointment or not getting your oil changed on time, causes you to feel like a failure, maybe your expectations are set so high that a human error feels catastrophic.

Another way I define perfectionism is as the ability to ignore consistent evidence that we are good enough, that we are doing well, or that we are accomplished. It’s so easy to focus on the negatives without taking in the positives.

For instance, let’s say you’ve been training to run a 5K, working on improving your mile time. You’re really excited to challenge yourself in this way and compete! On race day, you run faster and harder than ever before. When the stats come in, you find that your 5K time is around the lower to mid-range compared to everyone else’s. You feel defeated and embarrassed about your performance.

This is a perfect example of how perfectionism can sneak in. Rather than recognizing how difficult it is to commit to running a 5K and acknowledging the effort it took to train and prioritize time for a new passion, the focus shifts solely to your score not being the best. The emphasis is on perceived deficits rather than the numerous accomplishments that brought you to this point.

So, how do we change this?

Simple (ish)! (Just kidding, but here are some suggestions).

Mistakes are human, and they allow us to grow. If we never made mistakes or messed up, life would be pretty boring. We would never have the chance to learn new skills or explore new ways of living. Mistakes are bound to happen. When they do, it’s important to find a way to talk to ourselves with compassion—and to actually believe it! If you say, “It’s okay that I forgot about my kid’s soccer game, it happens,” but you don’t truly believe it, the statement loses its power. Our brains have an incredible “bullshit meter” and can tell when we’re lying to ourselves.

A more compassionate statement could be: “Wow, I feel awful about missing my kid’s soccer game. I know how much it means to them. This is the only game I’ve ever missed, and it was bound to happen at some point. It wasn’t the finals, and I can always make it to the next one. One game isn’t going to scar them for life.”

Being compassionate can be both realistic and kind!

Another way to combat perfectionism is by noticing and accounting for our accomplishments. Make a list of the things you’ve achieved. The key is to avoid discounting those accomplishments. For example, graduating from college is a huge achievement that took years of dedication and hard work. Saying, “Well, it took me six years to graduate,” or “I barely passed a lot of my classes,” is just another way perfectionism sneaks in and focuses on the negatives. I often encourage people to list all the accomplishments involved in completing something and then compare that list to the one or two negative things that are sticking in their minds.

Lastly, it’s helpful to explore what feels so unsafe about being imperfect. What does it mean about you if you’re imperfect? When did you learn that you had to be perfect to feel safe or have your needs met? Are you only a perfectionist in certain areas of your life, like being the perfect parent or the perfect co-worker? These are all valuable questions to explore, either on your own or in therapy.

If you struggle with perfectionism and would like to explore it further, call or email SF Counseling for a free consultation today.