October 29, 2024

In this article,“winning” a fight can be thought of as having a “productive argument”. This means both of you feelcloser or have agreater understanding of each other afterward. There are many “rules” for fighting fair, but in this article, I’ll list a few basic tricks to help you move toward a more productive argument.

I know this can be difficult. When your partner has been talking in circles and pointing fingers for the last 5 minutes, it can feel like torture to hold in all of the points you would love to make. Try to notice this feeling and attempt to truly listen to what they are saying. We often get so caught up in making our own points that we forget to really hear our partner—even if they’re repeating themselves for the fifth time and making the same point with slightly different wording over and over again.

Avoid “kitchen sinking” during arguments. This is when multiple issues are brought up, distracting from the original point of disagreement. Stick to one point at a time and try to keep your communication concise.

When your partner is speaking, ask at least one question with genuine curiosity. This means asking a question not to prove them wrong, but to deepen your understanding of their position and their feelings. Remember, a “productive argument” means gaining a deeper understanding of each other. Keeping this mutual goal in mind can help ease frustration.

If you take anything away from this article, let it be this: validate at least one part of what your partner has shared. You don’t have to validate everything, but find something you can acknowledge. It’s often helpful to do this before moving on to make your own points.

Example: “I can totally see how, given your perspective and what you just shared, that statement would be hurtful. That makes a lot of sense.”

When you want to make your point and be heard, try starting with an “IFAB” statement:

I Feel [emotion] About/When [situation] Because of [reason]

Examples:

• “I felt really humiliated and embarrassed when a joke was made about my outfit in front of our friends because I took a lot of time planning it and finally felt confident wearing something new, which is rare for me.”
• “I’m feeling upset and blindsided about plans made without me because now I can’t spend my days off doing what I was looking forward to.”

These statements add vulnerability, which can signal that it’s time to be gentle and lead to increased connection and understanding.

Most people want to feel heard and understood in arguments. If you can help your partner feel this way, tensions will likely decrease, and understanding will increase. This makes the fight more productive—a win for both of you!

DISCLAIMER: If your partner is using fear or intimidation tactics to win arguments, these tips may be unhelpful. These tips are not guaranteed to work, but they may help.